Why Boundaries Matter for Anxious Kids: Advice from St. Louis Anxiety Therapist Kelsey Torgerson Dunn
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, LCSW
Today, we're going to talk about setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries is crucial, especially when dealing with a child who struggles with anxiety, anxiety-driven anger, issues with over-control, and big behaviors, particularly with the start of the school year.
While boundaries are essential, they can also be challenging to implement, even for St. Louis child therapists. In today’s blog, I'll talk about some frequently asked questions from parents, just like you, who are wondering why their child acts a certain way, why setting boundaries is so difficult, and how to encourage their child to follow directions.
Why Are Boundaries So Important for Anxious and Angry Children?
Boundaries put parameters around what is okay and what is not okay. Children with anxiety particularly benefit from knowing the rules and expectations clearly laid out for them. Often, when you work with kids who have anxiety-driven anger, you’ll notice them testing these boundaries frequently. They are trying to understand what they can get away with and what their parents will say no to. As a mom of an almost four-year-old, I deal with this a lot. My child has a lot of questions about why a certain rule or expectation exists, and whether they really need to follow it.
For children with anxiety, their brain is constantly coming up with “what-if” scenarios. They are always seeking reassurance and looking to feel safe because their environment often doesn’t feel safe due to their brain chemistry and biology. By having clear expectations and boundaries around behaviors, this can be really comforting and help anxious children feel secure.
What are some examples of important boundaries to set?
When you are in the home environment, it’s important to be clear about what is okay and what is not okay, especially in situations related to personal safety, rules, and expectations. Now that school is back in session, setting boundaries around homework, school tasks, chores, and daily schedules becomes even more critical.
An Example: Putting Toys Away Before Dinner:
One example would be establishing the boundary that toys need to be put away before dinner time. If your child resists, saying, “I don’t want to put the toys away” or “You have to do it for me,” you, as a parent, need to decide the consequence of not following this boundary. Instead of resorting to a consequence like sending them to their room, it’s usually more effective to set the expectation early in the day and remind them as dinner time approaches. This might look like:
Image Credit: Unsplash Katie Emslie @katieemslie
Morning: “My expectation is that we put your toys away before we eat dinner.”
One Hour Before Dinner: “Okay, remember in one hour we need to put your toys away before we eat dinner.”
30 Minutes Before Dinner: “I’m getting dinner, honey! Remember, we need to put your toys away before we eat dinner.”
Five-Minute Warning: “Okay, in five minutes, it’ll be time to put toys away.”
At the Time: “All right, it’s time to put toys away.”
When the moment comes, you may get resistance. You can then decide whether to help your child or let them do it on their own. To encourage cooperation, you can make the task more fun, such as turning it into a game, setting a timer, or offering a reward (like dessert with dinner or extra playtime after dinner) for completing the task.
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What are some ways to stay calm and consistent when my child pushes back against the boundaries I've set?
It can be incredibly difficult to remain calm and consistent when your child pushes back against boundaries. Kids with anxiety can often trigger anxiety in their parents. We have mirror neurons that cause us to mirror the emotional states of others, so when your child is anxious and overwhelmed, it’s easy for you as a parent to feel the same way. When one person gets upset, the other does too, and this can escalate quickly. To break this cycle, it’s important to have strategies in place.
The Three-Step Approach to Handling Overwhelming Emotions:
At Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, we teach a three-step approach to handling overwhelming emotions:
Identify Your Emotions: Recognize how you feel. It’s okay to feel anxious or stressed out. Acknowledge these emotions.
Calm Down: Before escalating the situation, find ways to calm yourself down. Whether it’s deep breathing, taking a short break, or engaging in calming activities like yoga, these strategies can help regulate your emotional state before setting boundaries.
Problem-Solve: Once you’re calm, you can better address the situation and enforce the boundary.
Modeling Healthy Coping Skills:
In the moment, it’s great to model healthy coping skills for your child. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling a little stressed out about this. It seems like you may be feeling stressed out too. I’m going to take a walk around the house and then come back, and we’ll do this together.” Or, “I’m going to squeeze all my muscles really tight and then let them go.” Showing your child how to manage their emotions can be incredibly helpful.
Recognizing Normal Reactions and the Importance of Consistency
Normalizing Your Child’s Behavior:
It’s important to recognize that it’s normal for your child to test boundaries and react strongly, even if their reactions are big. You’re not doing something wrong as a parent if your child doesn’t immediately follow your directions. Sometimes, reframing the situation can be helpful: “This is normal. This is typical. I don’t like what’s going on, but it’s not unusual that it’s happening.”
Consistency Is Key:
The more you practice calmly setting boundaries, holding those boundaries, and following through on rewards or consequences, the easier it will get. Consistency is crucial. If your child continues to ask a million questions, at a certain point, you can say, “We’re done answering questions. The rule is you need to put your toys away, whether you like it or not.”
When to Seek Additional Support
If you find yourself struggling with setting boundaries every single day, and the reactions seem too big or your child seems very stressed out, it might be time to seek additional support. Consulting a child therapist or an anxiety therapist, especially someone who specializes in anxiety-driven anger, can provide you with outside perspectives and specific recommendations for your situation.
At Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, we're always happy to talk with you guys about setting boundaries. Is this normal? Is this not normal? You can always schedule a free phone call on our website and consult with a trained staff member on what's going on and what we might recommend.
Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anger management and anxiety therapy in St. Louis for kids, teens, and college students as well as parent coaching. We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. We also provide online therapy to teens and college students throughout the state of Missouri. You can set up your free phone screening to see if we’re a good fit for your needs right on our website.
